Many couples are together for years, participating in what they both genuinely believe is a mutually satisfying sex life. Only when there is a major disruption such as infidelity, the serious disability of one partner, or a divorce, do they realize, with astonishment, that some activity they thought their partner enjoyed was actually just the opposite: "I always hated it when you... " We care about our partners and want, above all, to make them happy. We therefore tend to conceal our dislike of certain sexual activities if we think they are highly pleasurable for our mate. Women, especially, will tolerate approaches they find awkward and unsatisfying because they are fearful of threatening the relationship they have worked so hard to develop. Open, honest, and non-punitive communication can re-align and rework routines that are not mutually arousing. The key is to set aside a time for discussing your sexual likes and dislikes in a non-threatening atmosphere. Reporting that you don't care for something your partner does is best done outside the bedroom. In the middle of a moment of mutual ardor, a complaint can lead to defensiveness, withdrawal, and a real break in the rhythm of your sex life. Approach it as a date to discuss your sex life together and how to identify opportunities for making it even better for both of you. Approach it with good humor and within the framework of your mutual positive regard. By all means, avoid the statement "We've got to talk," toxic in any circumstances. Make an event of it. A formal dinner invitation worded as an appointment to "focus on our sex life and how to make it better than it already is" sets up your partner to look forward to a stimulating discussion that will probably culminate, if all falls into place, in an exciting session of love-making. Start out with an agreement to be open and frank and to talk about specific behaviors and actions, not about how you feel about each other which is a given. Initiate the exchange by concentrating on the things that your partner does that truly delight you. Give each other strong positive feedback about both the relationship and your sexual habits. Where there are areas of action that you don't enjoy, couch it in "I feel" terms rather than accusations. Anything your partner does is not a sin or a transgression, it is simply something that, in your idiosyncratic way, you don't enjoy. Because you care about each other, you want each other to be happy. It is not uncommon for one partner to hear this information with genuine surprise. No matter how strongly you feel that you have already telegraphed your dislike of the action through body language or physical withdrawal, your partner was so involved in their own activity that your signals were never noticed. Once the subject has been broached, there are several ways to resolve the disconnect. It may be that your partner is not that committed to such actions and declares that it will never happen again, no big deal. It may be an activity that your mate finds extremely pleasurable and is loath to give up entirely. Then you may work on a compromise, perhaps in intensity or frequency. There may be an alternative action you can suggest that would be a different option to lead both of you to a high degree of satisfaction. Once you have agreed on any adaptations you are going to make to your regular routine, spend the rest of the evening reveling in all the positives of your intimate relationship and why sex with each other is so much more meaningful than would be any kind of contact outside your personal duet. Turn on the charm, flirt as if there were no tomorrow and dance as if no one was watching. Then go home together in a haze of excitement and immediately practice your compromise to cement the new routine in place. Send your partner a thank you card or email the following day and you'll find that your discussion has been the springboard to bring your relationship to a new level. |
