Most families with kids in school have felt the added pressure of homework, extra curricular activities and peer pressure. For our family the back-to-school readjustment period culminated in a few nights of Homework Hell. Families having experienced Homework Hell know how painful these times are for everyone. Imbedded within these nights of turmoil are not just our families strange aberration but rather a deep societal angst and indeed; our lifework. Our teenage sons struggle with trying to learn complicated math in a packed classroom; taught in a learning style far removed from his own; compounded by feelings of inadequacy, frustration and embarrassment echoed my own journey within the Tai Chai class I had recently joined. I saw my son and I were not allowing ourselves to be beginners; how we felt pressured to know the material without reasonable practice and integration time; and how both of us did not want to appear foolish, stupid, in front of our peers. This pressure of having to do things right, of looking like we have it everything together is not some character flaw my son and I suffer but rather a deep societal angst. We need not look far to see how our society glamourizes perfection and shames us for not knowing, or not getting it right away. No wonder we are so afraid to try new things and feel enormous pressure in new learning situations. We watched our teenage son come home in turmoil for three days not understanding what was being taught in his math class and consequently, unable to do his homework no matter how hard he tried building more pressure, frustration, and fear of getting behind. My husband, myself and my son all had to come to something in ourselves to move through this Hell. Self Pity: The Slippery SlopeAt times I felt completely useless, with missed attempts at validation, spouting suggestions, and finally succumbing to my own frustration around the stress in our home. At one time I started down the slippery slope thinking, Where did I go wrong? Poor me, I worked hard all day and now this. After hours of household unrest I went to my room to weep out my sorry life. In our darkened bedroom; sitting and breathing, I sent yet another heart-felt prayer for help. Then as I teetered on the edge of my self pity a dangerous place! - I heard my small, still voice whisper, He needs you to be strong now. A part of me wanted to continue my sorry slide (Oh, I have no strength left for this!) but that small, voice within kept affirming He needs you to be strong now. Returning to God WithinThe clarity and truth of this statement dawned fully upon me as I returned to my God with in. Heightened with this new clarity, and a fresh-born sense of my fierce and generous motherhood, I went downstairs. Herein I was able to face my nearly six foot, angry, discouraged son still fussing and fuming over homework he could not work out. With a no-nonsense, loving yet fully knowing voice, I said, Enough! Put the math away for tonight and go to bed. This is not about you being a failure but about the system falling short of your needs. You have proven you are intelligent, determined and hard-working. You can, and will do well; you just need the right resources which we will talk about tomorrow. To bed big guy! He rose, closed his books and went to bed. I would love to say that was the end of it but we had a couple more very trying nights before our boy found the resources and wherewithal he needed. Our son found the nerve to ask his teacher for help and when he received none in return, he learned through the text book and with study-buddies. My husband, my son and I were called to remember we are so much bigger than our feelings of inadequacy, of anger, and of fear. It is here our lifework resides. Through returning to our Bigger Self, our God, our scared and angry side subsides. We feel comforted and our strength and wisdom returns. The trick is remembering our lifework upon the hot, sharp point of the anguished, grievous, love-stretched moment that living in families evokes. |
