WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM? Self-esteem literally means to esteem or respect yourself. Having high self-esteem means that you have a positive image of yourself. Lets look at the source of this image. In her classic book "Celebrate Yourself," Dorothy Corkville Briggs makes a distinction between the real you and your self-image. She writes the "real you" is unique and unchanging. Most of your self-image what you think is true about yourself is learned; it is not necessarily accurate at all! "The Drama of the Gifted Child," by psychoanalysist Alice Miller, offers another perspective on this theme. It's an excellent book! WHERE DOES SELF-ESTEEM COME FROM? Where are your beliefs about yourself drawn from? Where did you learn them? If you think about it, you'll see that they came from many sources. This includes (yet is not limited to) learning to believe certain things during our early years. There are certain situations that make most people feel inferior or lacking in self-esteem. Examples include: - being overly criticized, - Not being adequately loved, - Being rejected, or - Experiencing failure. WHAT DOES LOW SELF-ESTEEM FEEL LIKE? In situations that cause low self-esteem, it is not uncommon to feel: - Sadness, - Inferiority, - Anger, - Jealousy, - Rejection, - Loneliness. WHAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT LOW SELF-ESTEEM? One of the most successful methods of helping people feel better about themselves is mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT). This therapy helps depressed and anxious people feel better by identifying how faulty ways of thinking make them feel bad. This treatment integrates "living in-the-present moment," without attachment to or judgment of our thoughts, feelings or perceptions. It also integrates the work of cognitive therapists, who generally believe that faulty thoughts, or twisted thinking, cause us to feel poorly, which makes us feel badly about ourselves. WHAT STEPS CAN I TAKE TO BUILD MY SELF-ESTEEM? 1. Pay attention to how you are feeling from moment to moment. Tune in to what your five senses are experiencing. Take it down to the most basic level of I feel warm right now, I feel light-headed, and I feel a tightness in my stomach. This is a Mindfulness Meditation technique. 2. Revisit your interests and goals. Make a list of things you'd like to do and learn. Today, take one step toward learning more. 3. Spend less time with critical people and more time with those who appreciate you. If it seems we are our own "worst enemy," then include self-nurturing care, positive affirmations and guided sensory imagery. 4. Spend some time with yourself at the end of each day. Review what happened and how you felt during the day. Write about it in a private journal. 5. If you are feeling bad about yourself, consider finding a therapist to help you get your life on a positive track. CONCLUSION How we think about our selfs and others (our cognitions) does not accurately represent reality. Ancient wisdom confirms this view. The Talmud (Hebrew sacred text) sums it up nicely: "We don't see things as they are, we the things as we are." In time, with self-compassion, mindfulness and supportive relationships (friends, family, therapists, mentors), we can develop resilient and hope-filled views of ourselves as "perfectly human beings" (not perfectionists)! |
